


Parallel Processing

by Callie4180



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: AU: Co-workers, Epistolary, M/M, The IT guy is hot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-20
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-09 21:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7818709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Callie4180/pseuds/Callie4180
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written as a birthday gift for Amy (EnduringChill). One day a few of us were talking about AUs, and one of us posited that "The IT guy is hot" could apply to any fandom. 221bJen and I decided to take it for a spin. </p><p>See Jen's Stucky fic <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/7746544">here.</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [EnduringChill](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnduringChill/gifts).



> This work is fully written and will be updated daily until complete.
> 
> Please see below for important author's notes.
> 
> UPDATE: Now complete!

*Ring*

You have reached the so-called Information Technology hotline. State your problem, and  _ don’t _ be boring.

_...Is that the IT department? _

(Sigh) And we are off to a stellar start. Mr.--ah, Watson, it says here. Hello. Did you check to see if your computer is plugged in? Is the switch set to ‘power on’? 

_ I'm sorry? _

You all are.  Did you turn it off and turn it back on? Tell me you didn't.

_...Is there anyone else there I could talk to? _

Nope. I'm it. Everyone else is having cake at some sort of baby shower. That is to say, a staff member’s contraception failed, and everyone is gathering to salute the situation with pastry. I understandably volunteered to stay behind. It's your lucky day. 

_ You're a bit of a dick, aren't you? What’s your name? _

Sherlock Holmes. Now, answer the question. 

_ Which question? _

Rebooting. Did you turn it off and turn it back on?

_ Sod off. You first.  _

...What?

_ You answer first. Are you a dick? Yes or no.  _

This is juvenile.

_ It's really a simple question. I could give you my opinion, if it would help… _

I'm hanging up now. 

_ Go ahead. I'll just call back. And you know that my even placing this call has generated one of those internal customer service surveys...oh, look. It's in my mailbox already. _

All right, fine. I am in fact a ‘dick,’ or so popular opinion would have it. Happy?

_ Very.  _

Now it's your turn. 

_...What? _

Answer the question. Did you turn it off and back on?

_ Oh, bloody...of course I didn't. I know a bit about how this sort of thing works. This could be some kind of weird virus or something, I wasn't going to screw around with it. I went to open a spreadsheet, and got an error message. Everything froze for maybe a minute, then it flashed yellow and went dark. I haven't even touched the keyboard since the error message. I called right away. _

...Really.

_ Yes. What, you don’t believe me? _

Forgive me, but experience in this cave of technical troglodytes has taught me to be sceptical.

_ Troglodytes? _

I don’t suppose you bothered to write down the message.

_ No, I didn’t, but… _

So you expect me to just guess at it, I suppose? Trace the electrons from your workstation back to some message mothership? Deduce it from the changes in barometric pressure over the last five minutes?

_ If you’d just-- _

Wait, what shade of yellow was it? That should tell me the answer. What font did it use? For god’s sake. You all seem to think we’re magicians, but we do require just the tiniest bit of data to do our jobs, and if you’d use even the most minute percentage of your sadly constricted intelligences--

_ I took a picture.  _

What?

_ I had my phone next to me on my desk, so I took a picture and emailed it to your department. It should be in your general mailbox by now. _

Well, it isn’t--wait. Here it is.

_ Enough data for you, then? _

...Hmm.

_ What? _

This is actually--this is a real problem. Oh, this is wonderful. 

_You sound...are you happy about this?_

Is there any power to your system at all right now? Do you hear the fan running?

_ Hang on, let me--yeah. Yeah, there’s still power.  _

Don’t touch anything. I’m on my way.

_ But-- _

You were right. It is a virus. Don’t touch anything. I’ll be right there.

_ All right, but-- _

Please.

*click*

XXX

Email: to J.Watson@corpmail.co.uk

The Information Technology department values your opinion! Please fill out this short internal customer satisfaction survey for a chance to win a Starbucks gift card. Answers will be kept completely confidential.

Re: Service ticket 118765: possible virus

Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5:

1: Completely dissatisfied  
2: Dissatisfied  
3: Neutral, neither satisfied nor dissatisfied  
4: Satisfied  
5: Completely satisfied  


My Information Technology representative was courteous.  1  
My IT representative was friendly. 1  
My IT representative was professional. 1  
My IT representative was knowledgeable. 5  
My initial complaint was addressed promptly. 5  
My problem was completely resolved in a reasonable amount of time. 4  
Rate your confidence in the skills of your IT representative. 5  
My overall satisfaction with my Information Technology experience. 3

Comments:

Stuck up bloke, unpleasant on the phone, but seemed to know his stuff. Cleaned a serious virus off our department system in less than an hour, and optimised our storage while he was at it. Without all the insults and attitude, might have been a good experience.


	2. Chapter 2

___The Blog of John Watson, boring (and bored) Londoner, retired British Army_  
_ New entry  
_ _6:45AM_

Met a man yesterday that had to be the rudest person I’ve EVER met, and that includes my time in the army. He’s an IT associate at my company. We all joke that you can tell those guys by their hoodies and trainers, but this man walks around in tailored suits, with the kind of hair it takes money to cut, and with a voice that would land him full time work on the BBC. I’ve never seen (or heard) anything like it.

I had a strange message on my computer, and I knew enough to take my hands off the keyboard and slowly back away. This apparently made me, and I quote, “Marginally less of an idiot than the average bottom-feeding desk-dweller, but don’t let it go to your head.”

He was an arrogant sod, but man, did he know his stuff. Sometimes you meet someone who’s just an artist, even if they aren’t making art. Does that make sense?

Anyway, it was a strange encounter. I like meeting new people, but I’m not sure I’d want to meet too many more of this type. 

My computer has never worked better, though.

You know, I wasn’t sure I’d like this job when I started it, but it’s all turned out well. I’m mostly in charge of making sure the development of medical products follows all company and EU rules. Regulatory analysis isn’t that far off from doing paperwork in the army: they give you a list of rules, some seemingly pointless, and tell you to make sure everyone follows them. I can do that, no problem. It isn’t exciting work, but that’s good, in its way, and the people seem pretty nice overall, save the aforementioned exception. No one is trying to blow me up, and I don’t have to carry a gun. It’s a pleasant change.

And with that, I’m off to work.

XXX

*Ring*

_ Regulatory Compliance. John Watson. _

Hello, John. This is Sherlock Holmes, from IT.

_ Oh, hello. I was going to call your department today, actually. I need the new Excel update. _

Oh. That’s no problem. Hold on--(clicks on keyboard) OK, done. You should have it tonight after the batch update.

_ Wow, that’s quick. _

Well, it’s a simple request. Any idiot could handle it. Now, to the reason I called. I have a question. If someone was going to--

_ You know, while I have you on the phone, I just realised I never thanked you for the other thing. _

...thanked me?

_ Yes. What you did with that virus, that was really--amazing. _

Really? You think so?

_ Yup. Extraordinary, truly extraordinary. I still don’t know what you did with our processors, but our searches are taking half the time they did, and we’re much more productive because of it. It’s been wonderful, really. So, thank you. _

…

_ Are you still there? _

(throat clears) Yes, yes. I’m here. I just don’t--no one has ever thanked me before. 

_ Hmm. What do they usually say? _

Piss off.

(laughter)  _ Well, I can’t say that didn’t occur to me when I first placed the call.  _

Understandable.

_ Anyway, we’re all very grateful. Our department’s big company-wide conference is coming up, and for once we’ll be ready ahead of time. So, again, thank you. Now, what can I do for you? _

Oh. Right. Um, if someone was developing a new product, and wanted to bypass regulatory reporting, how could that be done?

_ It couldn’t. _

Why not?

_ It wouldn’t be ethical, for one thing. You have to meet safety standards, and that requires-- _

Right, of course, but ethics aside. Could it be done? Theoretically?

_ This is medical equipment? _

Let’s say it is.

_ Then I still don’t think you could. There’s a regulatory rep on each committee, and they take medical stuff very seriously. You’d have to bribe them, or keep it from them somehow, or something. But I’m not sure why you’d want to, really. Past a certain point, you have to establish prototype status, or you could lose your right to patent. Anyone could pick up an undocumented design and say they were the--oh. That’s what this is. It’s a security question. _

Yes. I mean, maybe.

_ Did someone hack the system? _

...I’m not supposed to answer that.

_ That’s a yes, then. _

It’s not a no.

_ Hmm. That’s--a big deal, isn’t it? And the project really is undocumented? _

Let’s say that appears to be the case.

_ That’s just--that’s stupid. This is why we have the regulations, so there’s always a redundancy in the schematics. It triggers the security protocols, too. Well, you know that better than I do. If you don’t file the papers, you’re just begging to get your stuff stolen. _

...just begging to get your…

_ Yeah. I mean, it’s all out there on the servers, but there’s no proof that you hold the rights, if-- _

It was intentional. An inside job. Oh.  _ Oh. _

_ Sorry? _

Hang on, let me check one--oh. I can see how they got in, and made it look like--John, you’re a genius.

_ Come again? _

You’re a genius. The grammar in your reports is atrocious, and your passwords are absolute rubbish--

_ Hey! _

\--but you’re the best at interpreting idiocy. Well done. 

_ Well. Thanks, I guess? _

You’re welcome. Afternoon.

_ Wait, I don’t-- _

*click*

XXX

Email: to J.Watson@corpmail.co.uk

The Information Technology department values your opinion! Please fill out this short internal customer satisfaction survey for a chance to win a Starbucks gift card. Answers will be kept completely confidential.

Re: Service ticket 118994: program update request (Excel)

Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5:

1: Completely dissatisfied  
2: Dissatisfied  
3: Neutral, neither satisfied nor dissatisfied  
4: Satisfied  
5: Completely satisfied

My Information Technology representative was courteous. 3  
My IT representative was friendly. 3  
My IT representative was professional. 3  
My IT representative was knowledgeable. 5  
My initial complaint was addressed promptly. 5  
My problem was completely resolved in a reasonable amount of time. 5  
Rate your confidence in the skills of your IT representative. 5  
My overall satisfaction with my Information Technology experience. 4

Comments:

Software upgrade requested, was immediately processed. Very efficient. Only vaguely insulting, a real improvement. 


	3. Chapter 3

Email: from  _ G.Lestrade@corpmail.co.uk, to J.Watson@corpmail.co.uk _

Dear Mr. Watson,

The Internal Investigations unit has been notified of your invaluable contribution to the recent “Janus” project hacking investigation. With your help, we were able to resolve this investigation and bring the perpetrators to justice in a rapid and effective manner. This unit, as well as the other members of our multi-departmental investigation committee and the members of the Board of the Directors, are most grateful for your assistance.

A bonus of £1,000 will appear in your next paycheck, as a token of the Board’s appreciation.

We would like to schedule a quick photo session with you and the members of the cross-departmental investigatory team for inclusion in our next company newsletter. A representative from the marketing department will be contacting you in the next few days to make the arrangements.

Again, our most heartfelt thanks for your assistance. 

Sincerely,  
Gregory Lestrade  
Director, Internal Investigations

XXX

Alert: Incoming message from user John H Watson, VI Reg Comp Assoc, MS 1218.  
User John H Watson, VI Reg Comp Assoc, MS 1218 requests chat.  
Accept? Y/N  
Y  
Chat is online.

JW: You weren’t at the photo shoot.

SH: No.

JW: Why not?

SH: Not my kind of thing. Is the Excel update working all right?

JW: It’s working fine. Getting ready for the fiscal year end conference. What isn’t your kind of thing? Newsletters? Marketing? Self-aggrandisement? Because I’m not buying that last one.

SH: I just didn’t want to spare the time.

JW: Really. Well, that sort of thing looks pretty good in a personnel file when reviews come around, but maybe you don’t have to worry about that, eh?

SH: I’m not sure what you mean. I have to prove myself, just like anyone else. Reviews matter.

JW: That’s not what Lestrade said.

SH: What did he say?

JW: He said you were the best investigator in the company, and they’d never let you leave.

SH: ...

SH: I assure you, that isn’t true.

JW: He also said that you never let them use your name or photograph in press releases or newsletter stuff. 

SH: That part is true, but I have good reasons for that.

JW: Well, that just seems a shame. The photo part, anyway. Though you’d make everyone else look bad by comparison, so…

SH: What?

JW: Never mind. Thank you, by the way. For including me. You didn’t have to do that.

SH: Of course I did. You helped. In fact, you were invaluable. You cracked the case.

JW: I was just babbling. It was all off the top of my head. I didn’t even know what I was saying.

SH: Still. It would have been unethical to leave you out of it all.

JW: Well, that bonus money was more than welcome, so thanks again.

SH: Oh, you got a bonus? That’s from Lestrade, you know. He has a fund.

JW: The email said it was from the Board.

SH: That sounds like him. Respecting the chain of command. If he was more willing to break the rules, he’d be a truly brilliant investigator.

JW: Well, I don’t know about that, but I do know it was thoughtful of you to include me.

SH: My pleasure. I imagine your salary and army pension don’t allow for too many luxuries.

JW: I don’t remember telling you about the army.

SH: You didn’t have to, I figured it out for myself.

JW: Really? How?

SH: Don’t be an idiot. I googled you. You have a blog.

JW: Ah, right. Um, when did you--

SH: Right after I came to your office, after the first time we talked. Why?

JW: Never mind. Can I ask you a serious question?

SH: Yes.

JW: What are you doing in IT?

SH: Right now? I’m setting up a new server for the morons in Human Resources.

JW: Can you really say that sort of thing on company chat?

SH: Do you really think I don’t know how to alter these records?

JW: Should have known. But no, I mean in general. Lestrade and I went for a pint last night after the photo thing. He said they’ve tried to recruit you for Internal Investigations numerous times, and you’ve always turned them down.

SH: They’ve asked 3 times. That’s not ‘numerous.’

JW: All right, but point made. Why don’t you do it? 

SH: I like technical stuff, I guess. The hands-on aspect of it all. It’s very cut and dried. It works or it doesn’t. And it’s all on me to make it right. If I’m clever enough, I win.

JW: I suppose I can see that.

SH: Internal Investigations has to deal with a lot of politics. Everybody knows somebody. People always think they’re smarter than anyone else, even in the face of evidence to the contrary. And if I wanted to watch smug people lying all the time, I could spend my evenings in nightclubs.

JW: LOL

SH: God, don’t.

JW: Don’t what?

SH: Don’t tell me you’re an acronym user. It’s one thing in the army, but in the civilian world, it is emphatically NOT ALLOWED.

JW: LMAO. NGL tho

SH: Stop. If you send me an emoji next, I’ll remove the 17th line in every spreadsheet in your database, I swear to god.

JW: Don’t you mean ISTG?

SH: This ends now. Goodbye.

JW: No, wait. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend your grammatical sensibilities. 

JW: Hello?

SH: I’m still here. God knows why.

JW: Because I’m charming and funny, that’s why.

SH: …

SH: I suppose I can’t argue with that.

JW: Good. Anyway. I’d like to take you to lunch or something.

SH: Why?

JW: To say thank you. 

SH: You don’t have to do that. 

JW: I know I don’t. I want to. 

SH: …

JW: Sherlock?

SH: Yes. All right. That would be fine.

JW: Great. Does next Tuesday work for you?

SH: Fine. Just fine.

JW: I’ll meet you out in front at noon, then, and we can figure out where we’d like to go. Have a lovely weekend.

SH: You too. 

…

SH: Wait. I don’t understand. What just happened?

User John H Watson, VI Reg Comp Assoc, MS 1218 is offline. Send last message as email? Y/N  
N


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note to thank everyone for the kind comments and tweets. I'm glad you're enjoying this. <3

Thank you for calling Corporate Systems. To check your voicemail, press 1. To send a message--  
1  
Enter your mailbox number and press pound.  
2212#  
Enter your password and press pound.  
602214#  
You have reached the mailbox of *Sherlock Holmes.* If this is correct, press 1. If this is incorr--  
1  
You have *two* new messages. To check your messages, press 1. To save a message, press 4. To delete, press 7.  
1  
First message. Sent today from *John Watson, Regulatory Compliance* at *10:45 AM.*

_ Hi, Sherlock. Um, this is John Watson, just confirming our lunch plans for today. I’ll meet you out front at noon, unless anything comes up on your end. OK? Right. See you then. _

To save this message, press 4. To delete it, press 7.  
7  
Message deleted. Next message. Sent today from *an outside caller* at *2:11 PM.*

_ Hello, Sherlock. It’s me. Jim. Hi! You silly boy, I’ve been looking everywhere for you. I was beginning to worry you had left me behind. Should have known better, I suppose. But tell me, whatever are you doing in the corporate world? They will kill you, you know, they will drain you dry. They will suck that beautiful soul right out through your eyes and leave the rest behind to rot. I knew it was you, you know. I knew you were the one who uncovered our little intellectual property--well, theft is so strong a word. We were just borrowing it. (sigh) That project had so much promise. I really should be angry, but I’m not, because it’s brought you back to me again. It’s fate, darling, and as you’ll remember, I do owe you. I’ll be waiting. You know the number.  _

To save this message, press 4. To delete it, press 7.  
7

XXX

_The Blog of John Watson, boring (and bored) Londoner, retired British Army_  
_ New entry  
_ _ 7:45PM _

Had a great lunch today at a little Italian place called Angelo’s. Excellent food, very friendly service. If you go, try the pasta primavera. First rate. 

That IT bloke I wrote about a couple of weeks ago recommended it. We had lunch there today. It was nice. He’s very intense, but funny in his way, and what he doesn’t know about cyber security probably isn’t known. Also, he has this trick where he can look at someone and tell all sorts of secrets about them. He knew the waiter was a card player and a secret smoker, and they’d never even met. He’s rather impressive, actually.

One thing, though, why do people who see two blokes together automatically think they’re shagging? Two men actually can be just friends, you know. Even if you’re laughing a lot. Or if one looks like a supermodel. I mean, it’s all fine, it just makes things awkward at times.

Oh, the tiramisu was outstanding as well.

XXX

Email: from  _ S.Holmes@corpmail.co.uk, to J.Watson@corpmail.co.uk _

John,

Thank you very much for lunch. It was a pleasure to see you again. Getting out of the office was a rare treat, and your company was most agreeable. I appreciated the invitation, as unnecessary as it was. Your contribution to the investigation was invaluable, and your inclusion in the report was only fair.

Please allow me to apologise once again for Angelo’s behaviour. As I told you, I’ve known him for a long time, and he’s just enthusiastic that way. You know, excitable. I hope his comments didn’t make you too uncomfortable. He thinks every party of two is a date. I was careful to correct his perceptions. Should we wish to lunch there again (and we should, the minestrone he serves on Fridays is a revelation), he won’t make the same mistake again. 

Good luck getting your presentation together; I’m sure it will go well. Let me know if you need any help formatting the metrics, though it sounds as if you have everything all ready to go. If I don’t talk to you before the conference, a little advice: watch out for the assistant director from the Edinburgh branch. He’s a notorious idea poacher, and will steal your pens. Also, he’s a bit of a slag.

Sincerely,

Sherlock Holmes

XXX

Text: Have you heard anything about our old friend Jim? -SH  
**No. And don’t call him a friend, even in jest. Why do you ask? -MH  
** He left me a nice message this afternoon. He’s up to something. -SH  
**He’s on to you? Get out. Now. -MH  
** It’s too soon. We have to draw him out. He doesn’t know what we already have. We can get him this time. -SH  
**I don’t want you getting hurt. -MH  
** **The paperwork would be ever so tedious. -MH  
** Your concern is touching, brother. But if history is any indication, he’ll keep his distance, at least for now. He’s only poking at me to draw me out and see what I know. -SH  
**You have to be careful, Sherlock. Moriarty is unpredictable and dangerous. You already know this. -MH  
** I am being careful. Keep me advised. -SH  
**Very well. Now, what’s this I hear about you having a lunch date today? -MH  
** **Sherlock? -MH  
** **I see. -MH**


	5. Chapter 5

*Ring*

Information Technology, Sherlock Holmes speaking. 

_ (whispered) Hi. Thank god you answered. _

Who is--John? Is everything OK? Shouldn’t you be at the conference?

_ (low voice) I AM at the conference. I’m sitting in the back. I’m in trouble, Sherlock. _

What’s wrong?

_ I can’t get my presentation to load off my external drive. It worked fine this morning when we did a test run, but now it just says ‘downloading’ and locks up. Christ, I’m screwed, Sherlock. This is basically our department’s entire year in review and if I can’t get this working, I’ll be unemployed by nightfall. Help me. Please. _

Calm down. Give me a minute--wait, I can’t access your laptop off the network. Where are you?

_ Over at the North building. I can’t get the wireless to work, either. _

Bloody hell. That building is notorious for poor connections. We’ve tried to fix it, but apparently there’s no money in the budget to upgrade that facility. We’ve begged for months.

_ Great, fascinating, but what the hell am I going to do right this minute? _

Hold on, let me check the wiring schematics...Do you have a USB cord with you?

_ Yeah. _

There’s a small access panel on the floor behind the third seat from the end by the west entrance. Can you get there without making a scene?

_ Yes, everyone is down front. Hold on--all right, I’m there. _

Pull up the panel door. Do you see a blue cable with a connector at the end?

_ Yeah. _

Connect your computer. I’ll be able to access it from here.

_ OK...there. Done. _

Great. Hold on.

_...Do you see anything? I’m running out of time here, Sherlock. _

Give me a minute...all right, got it. Hook up your peripheral drive and try it now.

_ I’ll--thank god, looks like it’s working...yes, it’s downloaded. Jesus. (deep sigh) You just saved my arse. Christ, thank you. I’m always thanking you, aren’t I. _

It’s fine, John. It’s my job.

_ Still. What was the problem? _

It was a pretty nasty virus. Another one. It’s fully extracted now, though, so you should be fine for the presentation.

_ Damn, you’re good. But...that’s two viruses now in what, two weeks? I only use this computer for work. I never download anything from the internet on to it. And I’m religious about antivirus protocols. Our departments has meetings on this all the damn time, Sherlock. _

I know. We’ll talk about it later. I’ll put a ticket in so I can take the time to examine this program more closely. In the meantime, go give your talk. It looks good. There’s a typo on the fifth slide, but I’m sure no one will notice.

_ What? Goddamn it. I proofread this thing 20 times. _

I’m kidding, John.

_ Oh ha ha. Piss off. _

Ah, there it is. I knew we’d get there one of these days.

_ What--oh. Wait. I wouldn’t--I didn’t mean it. _

I know. It’s fine.

_ You sure? Because--oh shit, I’m on. Thanks again. Really. _

You’re welcome. Good luck.

XXX

Thank you for calling Corporate Systems. To check your voicemail, press 1. To--  
1  
Enter your mailbox number and press pound.  
2212#  
Enter your password and press pound.  
602214#  
You have reached the mailbox of *Sherlock Holmes.* If this is correct, press 1. If this--  
1  
You have *four* new messages. To check your messages, press 1. To save a message, press 4. To delete, press 7.  
1  
First message. Sent today from *Purchasing Associate* at *4:42 PM.*

_ Sherlock, this is Phil Anderson, from Purchasing. I’m calling to--  
_ 7

Message deleted. Next message. Sent today from *an outside caller* at *5:02 PM.*

___Oh, Sherlock. Do you have any idea how long I had to work on that virus? It was a beauty. (Sigh) I had plans for that conference, Sherlock, important plans. I needed some drones to get fired so I could get my own people in place. You’re becoming a real hero, Sherlock. It doesn’t suit you. You know, I do have to wonder how you found it so early. I’ll have to look into that. But in any event, watch yourself, sweetheart. Daddy’s had enough now._

To save this message, press 4. To delete it, press 7.  
7

Message deleted. Next message. Sent today from *John Watson, Regulatory Compliance* at *9:54 PM.*

___...Hello? Oh, I got the bloody mailbox, didn’t I. Right. Um. Sherlock, this is John. John Watson. Right. From Regulatory Compliance, you know? Oh, of course you do. Well. I’m at the reception. You know, the after the conference--thing. Yeah. And I might be a little drunk. Not very, but enough to--well. I was just thinking of you, and--not like that, sorry, I was just thinking that. Um. You’re bloody amazing, you know that? You fixed that fuck-up today like it was--wait. I said ‘fuck,’ didn’t I. That’s not very professional of me, is it. *giggle* Well, too late now. You fixed my presentation today in a minute, like it was nothing. It was extraordinary. And you even made me laugh when I was as nervous as fff--heck. When I was nervous. And everything went great, and the director shook my hand in front of everyone, and now I’m here at this party, and that bastard from Edinburgh stole my pen and pinched my arse, like you said, and--anyway. I just wanted to say thank you. Again. And you’re amazing. (pause) You know what, I should just delete this. What do I press to--_  
*beep*

To save this message, press 4. To delete it, press 7.  
To save this message, press 4. To delete it, press 7.  
4

You have *one* saved message. Next new message. Sent today from *an outside caller* at *11:36 PM.*

_ Um, hello, Sherlock, this is John again. I’m home now, and I just wanted to apologise for that last message. I’d obviously been drinking, and, yeah. I’m sorry. Just ignore that, OK? Right. I guess that’s it...oh, sod it. There’s something I’ve been meaning to say. You know what you said in your email, about that time we went to lunch, and your friend Angelo thinking we were, you know, on a date that day? Well, I just wanted you to know that--I wasn’t offended. Not really. Um, at all. I mean, obviously we weren’t, you know, dating but if we were--well. Anyway. Good night. And thanks again for--yeah. Thanks.  
_

To save this message, press 4. To delete it, press 7.  
To save this message, press 4. To delete it, press 7.  
…  
To replay this message, press 9.  
9


	6. Chapter 6

Email: from M.Holmes@whitehall.gov.uk, to J.Watson@corpmail.co.uk

Dear Mr Watson,

Your presence is required at a meeting at 22:00 GMT this evening. My assistant will collect you at your residence and escort you to a secure location. Please reply to this message immediately to confirm. I would appreciate your absolute discretion regarding this appointment.

Mycroft Holmes

\---

Email: from J.Watson@corpmail.co.uk, to M.Holmes@whitehall.gov.uk

I’m sorry, but do I know you? Your address is Whitehall, is this some sort of government business? Am I in trouble? Do I need a solicitor?

John Watson

\---

Email: from M.Holmes@whitehall.gov.uk, to J.Watson@corpmail.co.uk

Mr Watson,

Not at all. The issue at hand is more of a personal matter. The meeting should not take long, and of course, you will be returned safely home. I await your reply.

Mycroft Holmes

\---

Email: from J.Watson@corpmail.co.uk, to M.Holmes@whitehall.gov.uk

Personal? I noticed your last name is Holmes. Would this happen to be related to Sherlock from the IT department, in any way?

JHW

\---

Email: from M.Holmes@whitehall.gov.uk, to J.Watson@corpmail.co.uk

Mr Watson,

Sherlock is, as you already suspect, family. I must hasten to add that I mean no harm; I’m merely quite concerned about him. It is my intention to discuss the possibility of an agreement of sorts between us, where you could keep me apprised of his behaviour and social interactions in return for a meaningful sum of money on a regular basis. I’m not requesting anything indiscreet, or anything with which you would feel uncomfortable. He is my younger brother, and frankly, I worry about him. Constantly.

I would appreciate it if you could restrain yourself from mentioning this series of communications to him. He does not usually appreciate my interest in his personal affairs.

I look forward to meeting you in person tonight.

Mycroft Holmes

\---

Email: from J.Watson@corpmail.co.uk, to M.Holmes@whitehall.gov.uk

Mr Holmes,

With all due respect, sod off.

Sincerely,

John H Watson

XXX

Alert: Incoming message from user John H Watson, VI Reg Comp Assoc, MS 1218.  
User John H Watson, VI Reg Comp Assoc, MS 1218 requests chat.  
Accept? Y/N  
Y  
Chat is online.

JW: Good morning.

SH: Hello, John. How are you?

JW: Creeped out, actually. I just met your brother. Well, virtually met him.

SH: Ah. Did he offer you money to spy on me?

JW: Yeah, he did.

SH: Did you take it?

JW: No, of course not. Are you joking?

SH: No. It’s a thing he does.

SH: You should have taken the money. We could have split the fee. Think it through next time.

JW: OK…???

SH: I’m kidding, John.

JW: Right. Well, I’m glad it doesn’t bother you. Still creepy, though.

SH: Don’t read too much into it. He’s just overprotective. And he hasn’t yet found surveillance equipment that I can’t find and disable, so when he’s desperate, he has to reach out to the people around me.

JW: Why would he be desperate?

SH: Why indeed, John. My brother’s motives have always been a mystery to me.  

JW: Well, I thought you should know.

SH: Appreciated.

JW: I also thought I should apologise again for those voicemail messages. I didn’t realise I had had so much to drink. I supposed I was relieved about how the presentation went over. But I shouldn’t have called you like that.

SH: It’s fine.

JW: OK.

SH: I had been thinking about you, to be honest.

JW: Oh, really.

SH: About the presentation, I mean. I’m glad it went well.

JW: Well, thanks again for your help. And thanks for understanding.

SH: My pleasure.

…

SH: Would you like to go for lunch again sometime?

JW: How about dinner?

XXX

Email: to J.Watson@corpmail.co.uk

The Information Technology department values your opinion! Please fill out this short internal customer satisfaction survey for a chance to win a Starbucks gift card. Answers will be kept completely confidential.

Re: Service ticket 120024: urgent downloading issue

Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5:  
1: Completely dissatisfied  
2: Dissatisfied  
3: Neutral, neither satisfied nor dissatisfied  
4: Satisfied  
5: Completely satisfied

My Information Technology representative was courteous. 5  
My IT representative was friendly. 5  
My IT representative was professional. 5  
My IT representative was knowledgeable. 5  
My initial complaint was addressed promptly. 5  
My problem was completely resolved in a reasonable amount of time. 5  
Rate your confidence in the skills of your IT representative. 5  
My overall satisfaction with my Information Technology experience. 5

Comments: Fantastic service and helpful, friendly attitude. Really came through for my team in a tight spot. Would recommend this rep very highly.

XXX

Email: from ITSupervisor@corpmail.co.uk, to J.Watson@corpmail.co.uk

Re: Re: Service ticket 120024: urgent downloading issue

Dear Mr Watson,

Thank you for your prompt response to our recent internal customer service survey. These surveys are valuable tools in our department’s quest to meet our stated goal of 100% customer satisfaction.

Regarding the service ticket above, we have a small point of confusion. Just to clarify, you were working with Sherlock Holmes, weren’t you?

Please keep in mind that these surveys are taken quite seriously, and the results can affect performance reviews, promotions, and pay rises. They do not represent a proper occasion for jokes or pranks.

Many thanks for your prompt attention to this issue.

Regards,

Ryan Dimmock, VII IT Supervisor, MS 1604

XXX

__ The Blog of John Watson, boring (and bored) Londoner, retired British Army  
_ New entry  
_ _ 6:17PM _

I spent much of today wanting to punch complete strangers, but I've got a special dinner to look forward to tomorrow night. I'm not allowed to use emojis, apparently, but imagine a smiley face here. 

Comments: 1

:) ANONYMOUS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized there was another epistolary fic I need to mention: Between Each Beat are Words Unsaid, co-written (very effectively) by darcylindbergh and hudders-and-hiddles (huddersandhiddles). This is a WIP but it's drawing to an end. Interesting conceit and very wide ranging tale: it's the entire story of John and Sherlock coming together, told to each other through the evidence of their writing, drafts, and texts. Highly recommended, as is anything by these two writers. Check it out [here.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4794824)


	7. Chapter 7

Email: from CaptainJHW@gmail.com, to WSSHolmes@gmail.com at 9:32AM

Sherlock,

Great idea on using our personal email accounts. Just think, now you can call anyone an idiot! Not that it stopped you before.

Thank you for joining me for dinner last night. I had a great time. You were right, the dim sum at that place was fantastic. I’ll have to remember that thing about judging the restaurant by the door handle. I’ve never heard that before. Very clever.

I’m sorry I had to call it an early night, but I knew I couldn’t risk being late this morning. The meeting was as boring as I thought it would be, but at least I had the memory of you reading fortune cookies out loud to carry me through. I can’t believe you’d never heard the thing about adding ‘in bed’ to the end of them. It really makes it much more entertaining, don’t you think?

“You’ll soon face your greatest challenge, and earn your greatest reward...in bed.” I’m still laughing.

Let’s do it again soon. Do you like Thai food?

Hope you have a great day.

John

PS I don’t think I’ve ever told you, but I think your voice is amazing. Have you ever considered acting? Or voice over work?

\---

Email: fromWSSHolmes@gmail.com, to CaptainJHW@gmail.com at 9:33AM

John:

Thank you for dinner last night. It was a lovely evening. I very much enjoyed the pleasure of your company and your most stimulating conversation. Your stories of your time in the army were thrilling, but more than that, they gave me hope. If you can survive that level of bureaucratic incompetence, surely we can both get through the minor hell that one management-heavy corporation can dream up.

There’s no such thing as privacy these days, but using our private email accounts makes much more sense than using the business ones. I feel better knowing that my ‘supervisor’ isn’t slobbering over print outs of our correspondence in the next cubicle. At the very least, I won’t have to worry about him straining something while he’s trying to sound out all the words of more than one syllable.

Thank you again for dinner. I hope we are able to make plans together again soon.

Sincerely,

Sherlock Holmes

PS Also, thank you again for explaining the rule about the fortune cookies. I’m saddened to find I’ve missed out on such a crucial cultural experience, but ever so grateful to you for enlightening me. I now find I cannot wait to go out for Chinese food with my brother. I’ll have to order extra cookies. Maybe I'll design and bring my own. -SH

XXX

Text: Hello, John. -SH  
_ Is that Sherlock? JHW_  
Yes, it’s me. -SH  
___Good. Hi. I’m glad you didn’t lose my number. JHW_  
_I just noticed that we sent our emails at almost exactly the same time this morning. JHW_  
I see. Well, great minds and all that. -SH  
_ Exactly. JHW_  
…  
How’s your day been? -SH  
_ Fine, I suppose. A bit hectic at times. Yours? JHW_  
Fine. Much the same. The idiots in Purchasing managed to delete their database again. -SH  
_ Oh, good lord. JHW_  
...  
_ So, do you have any plans Friday night? JHW_  
No, I’m free. What do you have in mind? -SH  
_ How about dinner? I know a great little place in the South Bank. JHW_  
_ We could walk along the river after, if you’d like. JHW_  
That sounds perfect. -SH  
_ Excellent. It’s a date. JHW_  
_ If it’s OK to call it that. JHW_  
…  
It’s fine. -SH  
_ Good. That’s good. JHW_  
…  
_ Sherlock? JHW_  
Yes? -SH  
_ Just so you know, I don’t work Saturdays. JHW_  
I am aware of that, John. -SH  
…  
___So I can stay up late Friday night. Really late. JHW_  
_All night, in fact. JHW_  
…  
…  
…  
Tahts ogd -SH  
That’s good. -SH  
That’s very good. -SH  
_ :) JHW_  
Stop it. -SH  
_ Hypocrite. You left one in my blog comments. JHW_  
No, I didn’t. -SH  
_ That wasn’t you? JHW _

XXX

Thank you for calling Corporate Systems. To check your voicemail, press 1.  
1  
Enter your mailbox number and press pound.  
2212#  
Enter your password and press pound.  
602214#  
You have reached the mailbox of *Sherlock Holmes.* If this is correct, press 1. If--  
1  
You have *one* new message. To check your messages, press 1. To save a message, press 4. To delete, press 7.  
1  
First message. Sent today from *an outside caller* at *6:42 PM.*

_ Hello, angel. I’ve been sitting here by the phone, waiting for your call. I’m getting a bit impatient, though. Are you toying with me? Foolish. You know you miss me. (Sigh) I even dared to hope you were just playing hard to get, but I heard a little rumour-- who is this John Watson fellow? Does little Sherlock have a new friend? Did you really go out to lunch? And to dinner? Are you dating? Did you have _dessert _? That’s so sweet. He doesn’t look like much, but I suppose I can imagine the appeal. Just a nice guy, with his cute little blog--oh, who am I kidding. I don’t get it at all. You should have called ME. But it’s too late now. I owe you, and things are going to start to happen very quickly. There could be collateral damage. I would expect it, in fact. Pity, that. (Low chuckle) Ciao, Sherlock Holmes._

To save this message--*click*

XXX

Text: LAZARUS. -SH  
**It's time? Are you sure? -MH  
** Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I am. -SH  
**What happened? -MH  
** **Sherlock? -MH  
** He threatened John Watson. -SH  
**I see. -MH  
** No, you don’t, but your understanding is irrelevant. Is everything in place? -SH  
**We’re ready on this end. We’ll get him this time, Sherlock. -MH  
** **You know what to do. -MH  
** I do. Stand by. There’s one last matter I need to attend to. -SH  



	8. Chapter 8

Email: from WSSHolmes@gmail.com, to CaptainJHW@gmail.com at 2:00AM

John,

Not to be dramatic, but this is goodbye.

This isn’t going to make any sense to you, but I have to go on the run. In a few hours, they’re going to announce that I’ve been fired, and that I am being investigated for theft, conspiracy, and sale of company intellectual property. There will almost certainly be suggestions that I’ve been involved with drugs as well. There may even be whispers of potential treason and sale of government secrets.

They will have evidence. It won’t be real, but it will be convincing. I have an enemy, and he is very good at this type of thing.

It’s important that you don’t defend me publicly. It could harm you to do so, and not just in terms of your career. There are enemies in every corner right now, and I don’t think it’s overstating things to say that knowledge of our association could put you at grave personal risk. Please trust me on this, and stay silent.

I’d say don’t believe everything you’re about to hear, but maybe you should. It would be easier on you. Whatever you decide, I’ll understand. I’m sorry to put you through all of this.

After tomorrow, you probably won’t want to hear this from me, so indulge me for now: you’re the finest man I’ve ever met, and it’s been a pleasure knowing you. I wish we could have had more time.

I’ll be deleting this account in 2 hours.

Take care of yourself, John Watson.

Warmest regards,

Sherlock Holmes

XXX

User John H Watson, VI Reg Comp Assoc, MS 1218 successfully logged in  
Enquiry: User Sherlock Holmes, VI IT Service Rep, MS 1601  
Request chat  


USER NOT FOUND  
Enter another? Y/N  
N

\---

Thank you for calling Corporate Systems. To check your voicemail, press 1. To send a message, press 2.  
2  
Enter your mailbox number and press pound.  
2561#  
Enter your password and press pound.  
867530#  
You have reached the mailbox of *John Watson.* If this is correct, press 1. If--  
1  
Enter the mailbox number for the person you wish to message and press pound. If you do not--  
2212#  
This mailbox is unassigned. Enter the mailbox number for the person you wish to message and press pound. If you do--  
2212#  
This mailbox is unassigned. Enter the mailbox number for the person you wish to message and press pound. If--*click*

\---

Email: from CaptainJHW@gmail.com to WSSHolmes@gmail.com

Sherlock, 

What the hell? There were police out in front of the building this morning, and everything is locked down tight as a drum. They want to talk to me about our “association.” I don’t understand. Why did you run? Please don’t leave me hanging like this. 

John

MESSAGE UNDELIVERABLE. INVALID ADDRESS.

\---

Text: _Is this still your private number? JHW_  
_It’s not kicking back JHW_  
_I think it’s still your number JHW_  
_They’re saying terrible things but I don’t believe them JHW_  
_It doesn’t make sense. There’s just no way you did these things. JHW_  
_I hope you’re alright JHW_  
_I wish you hadn’t left  JHW_  
_I would have helped you, you know. We could have fought this. JHW_  
_After all, you’re my friend. JHW_  
_Aren’t you? JHW_  
_At the very least, you’re my friend  JHW_  
_I know I didn't misread that. JHW_  
_Please be careful JHW_  
_Please. JHW_  


XXX

__ The Blog of John Watson, boring (and bored) Londoner, retired British Army  
__ New entry  
_ 11:45PM  
_

I can’t sleep tonight. My friend from the IT department is being accused of all sorts of things, and none of it makes any sense. They’re saying he faked someone hacking the system, stole intellectual property, and sold it to other companies, and then when he got caught, tried to blame it on someone who doesn’t really exist. There are rumours that he used the company’s mail system to sell drugs. There’s even been suggestions that he passed technology on to China. I just can’t believe it. 

The Sherlock Holmes I knew could be an arsehole, yes, but he was also fair and honest. He worked very hard at his job and at making things better for the other employees of the company. No one ever thanked him, literally no one, but he did his best by them anyway. He fixed things just because they needed it. He solved problems before other people even realised they existed.

They say that he went on the run to avoid doing time, but looking at how everyone already has him tried and convicted, I can’t say I blame him. He can’t clear his name from a jail cell, after all. I have no doubt that when all is said and done, he will have been found to be innocent. I wish there was something I could do to help him; it’s a terrible feeling, being left behind. I only hope he’s alright out there, and that he knows he has friends back home that are thinking of him.

It’s not a popular opinion, but I’m just going to come out and say it: I believe in Sherlock Holmes.

Comments: 4

Noble sentiments, Mr Watson, but I’m afraid your faith is misplaced. My brother is a selfish addict, an immoral hacker, and ultimately, a common thief. It's a wonder he got away with it as long as he did. In any event, I don't believe he’d want you to wallow like this. He'd say it was unseemly, and I rather agree. --MH

You know, Holmes, I told you to sod off once before, and I do hate repeating myself. -JHW

Touching, Mr Watson. Very touching. The pretty ones are real heartbreakers, aren’t they? How tragic that he left you behind. I rather thought you might be coming to mean more to him, but I guess he saw how ordinary you are after all. ANONYMOUS

And who the HELL is this? -JHW

 


	9. Chapter 9

Six months later:

Email: from  _ G.Lestrade@corpmail.co.uk, to J.Watson@corpmail.co.uk _

John,

Just got back to the office after the emergency Board meeting. It went about as we expected, but in the end they couldn’t really argue with the evidence. Having Scotland Yard there was a good idea, so ta for that. Half of them resigned on the spot, including the Chairman, Moran. I’m sure there are a lot of lawyers getting panicked phone calls right now.

Of course, none of them claimed to know Moriarty, let alone where the bastard’s run off to. No surprise there either.

Anyway, it’s going to hit the papers in the morning, and the DI said they’ll probably be making some arrests. MI5 is involved now, as well. I thought I should warn you, so it’s not a shock. I imagine it will all make quite a splash. 

I hope Sherlock sees it.

I couldn’t have done this without your support, John, so once again, thank you. Maybe soon we’ll have time for that pint.

Greg

XXX

From Yahoo! Headlines

BREAKING: Sherlock Holmes cleared of all charges in corporate SPIDER hacking scandal, enquiry into flawed official investigation underway  
IT representative and key informant revealed to be working for MI5 in hacking sting  
Whereabouts of security expert and ‘consulting hacker’ still unknown

One man’s quest for the truth: In-house investigators in the spotlight as more details of the Moriarty SPIDER investigation emerge  
_ Also recommended: Exclusive interview with Gregory Lestrade, corporate crusader _

James Moriarty still at large: our sources reveal the secrets behind the manhunt  
_ Also recommended: Personality profile: James Moriarty, the SPIDER, and how he built his web  
_ _ Also recommended: Opinion: With Moriarty at large, is anyone safe? _

NASDAQ tech shares down across the board after new revelations in international hacking scandal  
_ Also recommended: News: Is there a market the SPIDER scandal won’t reach?  
_ _ Also recommended: Opinion: Is more regulation the answer? Our government source says yes _

XXX

PERFORMANCE REVIEW, form 871  
Please forward to Human Resources when complete

Prepared by: Sarah Sawyer, VII Reg Comp Spvsr, MS 1220  
Associate: John H WATSON, VI Reg Comp Assoc, MS 1218  
Department: Regulatory Compliance  
Overall Rating: (4) Exceeds expectations

Summary: Overall excellent worker. Did a fantastic job at annual conference, appears to have a bright future in this department and with the company. Met all performance benchmarks. However, there is some concern that John’s performance and attitude has declined since the events of six months ago (the IT department crisis and resulting investigation). Regretfully, the situation has led to conflict and confrontation both within the department and at interdepartmental meetings. Also, some concern has been expressed regarding John’s personal appearance and demeanour. However, there is no reason not to hope that recent developments will see this situation resolved, and John back on track to meeting his performance stretch goals. Will revisit in six months. See next page for bonus recommendations and requested salary increase.

XXX

From the corporate in-house newsletter:  
Meet your New Board of Directors! New Chair Irene Adler promises a new era of discipline that should see the company firmly on course for a satisfying end to the fiscal year. Shaking her head at what she euphemistically refers to as “misbehaviour,” Adler states she should have things whipped into shape in no time. 

XXX

___The Blog of John Watson, boring (and bored) Londoner, retired British Army_  
_ New entry  
_ _ 10:22AM _

Well, you’ve probably heard by now, but in case you haven’t: Sherlock Holmes has been proven innocent. My good friend Greg mounted a massive investigation, despite resistance from higher ups, and through some good old-fashioned detective work finally got to the truth. He uncovered corruption in every department, all the way up to the Board of Directors. Turns out there was one person behind all of it, a man named James Moriarty. He’s known in certain circles as an experienced hacker and cyber thief. I don’t know all the details, but he and Sherlock have tangled before. This Moriarty chap targeted our company and managed to recruit people in every division, including a certain arse-pinching creep from Edinburgh and Sherlock’s prick of a ‘supervisor’ in IT.

New details are emerging every day, and of course, it’s all anyone is talking about in the media. The police (the real police, from Scotland Yard) have arrested several people, and no one is quite sure where Moriarty is now, which is rather frightening. I’m hearing whispers that there’s more to it than corporate espionage: smuggling, blackmail, conspiracy, even murder. I watched quite a fascinating interview with a source from Whitehall. His face was obscured, but he seemed familiar, somehow. I’m not sure why, but I had the feeling I had dealt with him before. He seemed to think that Moriarty represents a major threat to national security, and the more I hear, the more inclined I am to agree.

The worst part is, of course, is that Sherlock is still missing. I haven’t heard from him, and apparently no one else has either. There’s all kinds of speculation around the water cooler about where he might be. Some think that after the scandal first hit, he just said to hell with it and left, perhaps relocating to some tropical island somewhere. Others say Moriarty was on to him and kidnapped him to shut him up, but I know that's not true. Of course, the most terrifying possibility is that Sherlock is out there, alone, trying to catch Moriarty and bring him in. By himself. I'm trying hard not to think about that.

Wherever Sherlock is, I’m certain he’s doing what he thinks is right. He is, after all, a good man. I hope he knows how grateful everyone is to him, and that we’re all eager to see him back home safely. 

God knows I’ve missed him. I mean, tech support has NOT been the same since he left.  (Sherlock, if you’re reading this, my computer is running a bit slow. I think the hard drive might be fragmented. Can you help?)

COMMENTS: 1

Did you try rebooting? ANONYMOUS


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to all of you for your comments, kudos, tweets, and general support. I'm happy so many people have seemed to enjoy this.
> 
> Many happy returns again to EnduringChill! Blue skies and brighter days, my friend.

Text: Any word from Sherlock? GL  
_No. Not yet. JHW_  
That was him on your blog, yeah? GL  
_I think so. JHW_  
Well, when he does get in touch, tell him I said he’s a complete wanker and I owe him a pint, OK? GL  
_You bet. JHW_  


XXX

**Three weeks later:**

Wall Street Journal headline:  
NEW EVIDENCE IN ‘SPIDER’ HACKING CASE  
Scotland Yard announces receipt of ‘air-tight’ records implicating recently deposed Chairman of the Board Sebastian Moran  


Washington Post headline:  
‘SPIDER’ CHAIRMAN MORAN INDICTED; MORE ARRESTS TO COME  
“Obvious paper trail proving criminal intent”  
Sidebar: Is this the work of Sherlock Holmes, ‘Consulting Hacker’?

USA Today headline:  
MORIARTY REWARD DOUBLED; New bounty on criminal thought to be ‘in an increasingly desperate situation’’  
Whereabouts of Sherlock Holmes still unknown

XXX

Text: Wow. GL  
___Yeah. JHW_  
Heard from him yet? GL  
___No. JHW_  
Really? I figured you would have gotten at least a text by now. GL  
___Me too. In his own time, I guess. JHW_  
At least we know what he’s been up to. That was some fantastic detective work there. GL  
___And you would know. JHW_  
Hell, I'm nowhere close to that good. GL  
I thought he was going after Moriarty, though. GL  
___I have no idea what he’s doing, Greg. It’s driving me crazy. JHW_  
Well, don’t worry. He’ll show up soon and we can take turns yelling at him. GL  
_Sounds good. I’ll go first. JHW_

XXX

**Another two weeks later:**

Text: OH MY GOD. TURN ON THE NEWS. GL  
\---

Reuters News Service headline:  
LONDON: BREAKING NEWS: COMPUTER CRIMINAL JAMES MORIARTY APPREHENDED  
Sherlock Holmes’ involvement suspected but not confirmed  


CNN.com headline:  
LONDON: COMPUTER TERRORIST GIVEN OVER TO AUTHORITIES  
‘Looked like he’d seen better days,’ says security guard

BBC Radio News report:  
LONDON: James Moriarty, architect of the SPIDER hacking conspiracy, was delivered to justice in spectacular fashion early this morning, when he was found handcuffed to the doors at the main entry of Thames House, headquarters to MI5. Sources say there was no sign of how he arrived or who delivered him, though of course, an investigation is underway.

The Onion lead story:  
LONDON: “We don’t understand how this guy did this,” says an entire department of elite security experts standing in a building full of supercomputers. “Is he some kind of wizard?”

XXX

Email: from M.Holmes@whitehall.gov.uk, to J.Watson@corpmail.co.uk

Mr Watson,

Please let my brother know he has my heartfelt congratulations on a job well done. 

Also, please tell him to call our mother. She’s furious with him for missing our cousin’s wedding.

Regards, 

Mycroft Holmes

(P.S. You could also tell him that was well played, by the way. The champagne was abysmal, and Uncle Horace was in rare form. -MH)

XXX

Text: Anything? GL  
___Nope. He’s certainly been busy, though. Damn good excuse. JHW_  
Want to go for a pint after work tomorrow? Start the weekend off right? GL  
_Sure. Sounds good. JHW_  
Great. GL  
He’ll call soon. GL  
The wanker. GL  
_I hope so. JHW_  
_And yes. He is. JHW_  


XXX

___The Blog of John Watson, incredibly anxious Londoner, retired British army_  
_ New entry  
_ _ 6:20PM _

Moriarty is behind bars now, and his network is in tatters. The case against him is well constructed, and from all reports, sounds pretty damning. I doubt that “the Spider” will see daylight again anytime soon, and I can’t seem to bring myself to feel bad about that.

A few (OK, several) newspapers have tried to contact me, hoping to convince me to arrange interviews with Sherlock for them. I’m not sure how they got my name, but they’ve been rather relentless. I’ve politely redirected them to marketing, who I’m sure has learned to dread my name on their caller ID. Who knows, Sherlock might want to speak to the media when he comes back.

If he comes back.

I’m proud of him, you know. I imagine he’d hate hearing that, but it’s been thrilling to watch this story unfold, knowing that the hero is a prickly, arrogant bloke who overdresses for work and laughs at horrible puns. I’m right angry at him too, mad about being left behind and kept guessing, being able to do nothing but worry.

I wish I could know where he is, and what he’s doing right now.

XXX

Written in marker on a red post-it note, placed squarely in the center of John’s workstation monitor, read at 7:54AM on Friday morning:

Angelo’s. 7pm tonight

XXX

Text:  _You’re bloody kidding me, right? After all this time? JHW_  
_You just run off, with barely a word, and then I’m supposed to drop everything and just come running?_  
Yes. Come have dinner with me. -SH  
I’ll tell you the whole story then. -SH  
_ I don’t know. I already have plans. JHW_  
Are you joking? I can’t tell if you’re joking. -SH  
_ I’ve got a meeting to get to. Let me get through that, and then we can talk some more. JHW_  
All right. I’ll be waiting. -SH  
…  
...  
I couldn’t call. He was watching you. -SH  
Moriarty. -SH  
He would have killed you, John. He would have killed you, or kidnapped you, or hurt you to get me to stop. -SH  
I couldn’t let that happen, don’t you see? -SH  
I had to pretend I didn’t care. -SH  
I do. Though. -SH  
Care. -SH  
A lot, actually. -SH  
I’m sorry. I really am. Come to dinner. -SH  
I missed you. -SH  
I hated every minute of it. -SH  
I didn’t think Moriarty would make his move so quickly. -SH  
But I got him, John. I got the entire network. They’re either locked up or isolated and it’s safe for us to be together again. -SH  
Please, John. SH  
Angelo has Fra Diavolo on the specials menu tonight. It's really good. -SH  
We could have wine. -SH  
And there’s tiramisu. -SH  
Please. -SH  
___Jesus, Sherlock. JHW_  
_I said I was going into a meeting. JHW_  
_Did you really think I was going to say no? JHW_  
_But you’re buying, goddammit. JHW_  
John. -SH  
Thank you. -SH  
I’ll see you there. -SH

XXX

Text:  ___Sorry, Greg, I’m standing you up. Got a date with a hacker. JHW_  
Excellent! GL  
Wait, he’s buying, right? GL

XXX

Email: from Angelo@AngelosRistorante.co.uk, to HolmesConsultant@gmail.com 

Sherlock: I’m sorry I wasn’t up front this evening to see you off, but Billy said you and your friend left in quite a hurry. I know you were a little worried about it all, but it seemed like things were going well when I had to go back into the kitchen. You know, we have a very nice, very private table in the back if you ever need to have those kinds of ‘discussions’ again.

You left your coat behind. We’ll hold it for you in the office. I’m sure your friend did a fine job of keeping you warm on the way home, anyway. From what Billy said, he had quite a head start.

I’ll owe you the tiramisu.

It’s good to have you back.

-Angelo

XXX

Note on lavender stationery, left at the door to Sherlock’s flat shortly after dawn on Saturday morning:

_ Sherlock, _

_ I’m happy for you, dear, I really am, but could you and your boyfriend please keep the noise down a bit? At my age, I need my beauty sleep. _

_ I’ll have fresh scones and tea ready in an hour or so if you want to bring your gentleman by for breakfast. I suspect you both worked up quite an appetite last night. _

_ I have some oil for those bed hinges, if you’d like to try it (and you would). _

_ -Mrs Hudson xx _

XXX

The following Monday morning:

Text:  ___Where are you? It’s bloody 6:30AM. JHW_  
Had to leave early. Lestrade called me in to consult. There’s bread for toast, and tea. I’m sorry. You were sleeping so peacefully, I couldn’t bring myself to wake you. -SH  
_ Well, I was pretty worn out. JHW_  
_ But it was probably for the best. I have to get to work. JHW_  
Will I see you later? -SH  
_Count on it. JHW_  
…  
John, I have to ask. Was everything OK this weekend? We didn’t have much time to talk, it just all sort of happened. -SH  
Which was fine. -SH  
Wonderful, really. -SH  
Would you agree? -SH  
John? -SH  
_Are you really asking me if I enjoyed myself this weekend? JHW_  
Well, yes. -SH  
_And I’m assuming you mean...in the fortune cookie way? JHW_  
Ha. Yes. -SH  
_And you really think I’m going to discuss this over text? JHW_  
No, of course not. What was I thinking?-SH  
I will require your feedback, though. I’ve grown rather used to your input. -SH  
_You’ll get it, I promise. JHW_  
_The input, I mean. JHW_  
_GTG, TTYL. JHW_  
I’ve warned you about that, John. -SH  
_ Oh, have you? JHW _

XXX

Email: from HolmesConsultant@gmail.com to CaptainJHW@gmail.com

The Sexual Gratification department values your opinion! Please fill out this short internal customer satisfaction survey for a chance to win a sexual favour of your choice. Answers will be kept completely confidential.

Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5:  
1: Completely dissatisfied  
2: Dissatisfied  
3: Neutral, neither satisfied nor dissatisfied  
4: Satisfied  
5: Completely satisfied

My Sexual Gratification representative was courteous. 1  __ (a bit demanding, honestly)  
My SG representative was friendly. 5  __ (very...warm, even enthusiastic.)  
My SG representative was professional. 1  __ (bit on the loud side, actually)  
My SG representative was knowledgeable. 5  __ (that thing with the tongue, TEACH ME)  
My initial complaint was addressed promptly. 1  __ (had to wait WEEKS for delivery)  
My problem was completely resolved in a reasonable amount of time. 5  __ (almost too quickly, IYKWIM)  
Rate your confidence in the skills of your SG representative. 5+  
My overall satisfaction with my Sexual Gratification experience. 10+++++

Comments: 

Most efficient conversion of a floppy disc to a hard drive I’ve ever seen. Highly effective buffering. Download speed far exceeded expectations. Definitely looking forward to our next (up)date.

\---

Text: Really, John. *blush* -SH  
;)  _ JHW _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this chapter, special grateful acknowledgement of the lovely Kedgeree, who graciously handed me the machete and told me to get my ass back in there and murder some darlings. Thanks, too, to 221bJen, who was kind enough to step away from her own work for a last minute read through. I should note that I continued to edit up to the very second I posted and then a couple of minutes after, so all mistakes are completely on me. 
> 
> And thanks again to all of you who read this. <3

**Author's Note:**

> Eternal gratitude to 221bJen, Kedgeree, and avawtsn for their input. Each of these individuals is beyond generous with their time and thoughts and words, and I am very grateful to them all.
> 
> I'd like to recommend two brilliant experiential (epistolary plus?) works about Sherlock and John in technical fields, both of which are far superior to this one. I tip my cap to Philalethia, who recently completed "Leveling Up," (Read it [here)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5810137), which maintains a highly satisfactory squee to nail biting ratio. Also, I'm sure you all remember StarTrekto221b's The Printer is Jammed series: [Here](http://archiveofourown.org/series/279888). If you've missed these, go forth and treat yourself. You'll thank me.


End file.
